Tuesday 1.29.2008

Day 14, Treatment #1

I worked again today. The roads were finally dry this morning, and the temperature has soared to 45 degrees. At the end of January. In Michigan. Wow. It was nice, however, to use the cruise control without watching for black ice.

We had a great day, as far as workdays go.

As far as my physical self, I wonder if this isn't the worse day I've had other than surgery. I didn't feel really bad, just punky. For a couple of hours. When I finally got a chance to eat lunch, it was about 2 o'clock. I hadn't eaten since breakfast at 0500, and I wasn't really hungry, either. I just didn't feel good. A little nauseated, a little queasy. But I worked on it and finished about an hour later. I did drink, though, a couple of 16 ounce waters, a little coffee.

Around about 6 o'clock, a couple of other girls were in the report room with me. My head has been itchy for about a week; so what, that happens sometimes. So, I was scratching my head, and I felt a little bumpy thing on my scalp. And you know how you kind of pinch it with your fingernails to pull it out of your hair? I did that, and a small clump of hair came out. I must have gasped--the 2 others sitting at the table jumped and asked me if I was ok. Yeah, I said, Look. And showed them the little clump of hair. Oh my gosh. It's happening. I'm losing my hair.

Eww. I looked at it for a long time. The others did too. Wow. I was still feeling a bit queasy, and it seemed to take forever for my head to catch up with reality. Yeah, I know I was expecting it. And here it is. After a while, I reached up and tested another area. Wow. Look at that. Another small clump. Now I have two small clumps of hair in the palm of my hand, and it adds up to a small collection of hairs that looks amazingly like a whole lot of hair. And it didn't even hurt. I couldn't even tell that it was being pulled. Oh my gosh. I reached up and pulled again. Another batch of hair. Wow. Ok, that's enough testing, I'm convinced my hair's coming out. YIKES!

I have a thought. Is it just going to fall off of my head, like a piece of fabric might fall off, and I won't have any hair by the time I get home?? (silly, probably not) I am kind of in shock, or at least great surprise. I get up and find something to do to distract me. I decide that Dan and I will have to go to the wig store tomorrow and get a wig. And I've heard that you wake up in the morning and your hair is on your pillow. Eww. I pull again. Another clump. Maybe I'll just shave it tonight when I get home. I call Dan, I ask him about his day, how he is. (I'm surprised that I make small talk...) I tell him my hair is starting to come out. He's quiet for a minute, and says well, we knew it was going to happen... I say yes, we'll have to go to the wig store tomorrow. Ok, he says, we can do that. I don't mention the shaving the head thing. I'm still trying to get my stomach around my hair falling off...

I selectively show the remaining co-workers, individually. Their responses are perfect--they look me in the eye, we make some kind of comments, and they hug me, telling me it's going to be ok. Thank you to each of you. Before too long, most, if not all, everyone knows. So kind, you girls. And I find myself smiling, laughing even, and we make gentle jokes.

It's time to go, we clock out, and go our ways. As I look in the mirror it seems that my hair has gotten "flat", not standing up off of my head. Hm. Interesting. I'm not going to pull any more out, I'd like to have hair when I get home.

I get over to the nursing home, wait our turn for the bathroom. The girls are busy, but a few of them stop as they pass by to say hi. I tell them I'm losing my hair. They take it in stride, and ask me about a wig. I tell them probably tomorrow; they look forward to seeing it. Ok, that was easy.

I make it home through the blowing rain, it's still 45 degrees, but a winter storm warning has strong winds and dropping temperatures coming in the next couple of hours. Daniel looks at me kind of funny. I pull out a clump and show him. He's kind of funny--I don't need to see it, he says. Oh. Ok. I putz around putting my work stuff away, etc., and check email and such.

After a bit, I mention that I'm not sure I want to wake up with all that hair on the pillow, you know? I was thinking about shaving it tonight... He' really tired, and so am I. He says, why don't you just sleep in a hat?

Well, you know, Dan has gone to bed, and I'm not going to pull out any more hair tonight. I think I will try to sleep in a hat to contain the hairs somewhat. I'll re-evaluate the shaving thing tomorrow. The temperature has dropped now to 20 degrees with a windchill of zero, and wind speeds are 35-50 mph. ( I have discovered these last several years that I don't like wind.) It's 0100.

Oh, yeah, I almost forgot. And, I started my period.